Allen sits next to his father’s hospital bed, concentrating on the ice cube melting in each palm as he tries to block out sensory overload: the voices of the paramedics in the next room, the sounds of his siblings crying on the back deck, the whirling red lights of the ambulance waiting outside, his mother’s voice murmuring to the doctor. He knows everyone says his father is dead. But Allen just can’t let himself believe it.
This was the scene at my house on the evening of July 13, 2019, when my husband, Ronald, passed quietly away at home after a long illness. While each of my three children needed to find a way to grieve the passing of their father, it was Allen--an adult on the autism spectrum--who had the most difficulty.
His journey towards acceptance began with the trees.
Two weeks after his father died, Allen came in from the yard and told me, “The trees are whispering Dad’s name.”
“Oh,” I said, thinking the wind was hardly blowing that day. “Are you sure?”
He nodded solemnly. “Not only that, Mom, they’re saying that Dad isn’t going to stay dead. They’re saying that Dad is going to find a way to come back to us! Isn’t that good news?”
I am pretty sure I nodded while I wondered if I should call for emergency services or at least dial the number of Allen’s therapist. Instead, I began a quest to help my son, with his atypical brain, to process Ron’s death in a healthy manner. I discovered that, like others on the spectrum and even some of us with typical brain function, my son was using “magical thinking” to avoid the immediate pain of his dad’s death.
According to St. James, Handelman, and Taylor (2011), magical thinking provides a connection to what has been broken and helps the thinker cope with cultural expectations of control. During the days between Ron's death and his funeral, Allen needed to hold himself together, shaking hands and accepting hugs, saying "thank you" to those who expressed their condolences. As the researchers at Indiana University note (2014), “normal can be exhausting.”
My research unearthed many helpful tips about grieving on the spectrum. Here’s three:
Autism grief is not neurotypical grief (Fisher, 2014).
All reactions to grief should be seen as valid. Disregard no idea that helps (Indiana University, 2014).
Find a way to share the sorrow (Mental Health America).
In the next few columns, I would like to “find a way to share the sorrow” with you in the “magical journey” I took with my son to help him accept the finality of his father’s death and his conclusion that his father’s love for him will continue.
So many of us are 'Allen' when it comes to grief. We can be labelled this way or that, but we have all used magical thinking....in grief, in pain, in panic and in confusion. Those who have tried it, know it helps us continue to breathe. Thanks Linda, for sharing this.