5 Things I'm Not Thankful For

But I am Grateful

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

I Peter 4:12-13

Yes, I know it’s that time of year when we go around the dinner table and name what we’re thankful for. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a good practice to focus on the blessings God has given us throughout the last year. But do we HAVE to be thankful for everything? My family and I have had a pretty rough year and while I am not discounting our blessings, I am still reeling from the circumstances we somehow survived.

I’m not thankful for the emotional upheaval of this past year. But I am grateful.

Is there a difference? Sure.

Grammarly.com defines “thankfulness” as appreciation for a gift received or in response to another person’s actions. Guideposts.com calls thankfulness a “response to a particular event.” It is based on external factors.

Thanks for opening the door for me.

Thanks for the birthday card.

Thanks for not sending me hate mail when you read this.

In other words, thankfulness for a particular action or event can be a momentary thing. Thanks for the birthday card, but I’ll probably not think about it in six months.

“Gratitude”, on the other hand, is more permanent. It should become part of our character, no matter what circumstances are happening around us. Grammarly.com calls it a “deeper, more meaningful appreciation.” Guideposts.com says this:

“Tennessee psychiatrists James and JR Greene explain the broad power of gratitude this way: “You do not need something good to happen to have gratitude, and when bad things happen, your gratitude does not falter. You know that sad things are just a part of life, and you are happy with the life you lead.”

Thankfulness depends on good things happening to us. Gratitude does not.

These are the five things I am NOT—I repeat—NOT thankful for.

I am NOT thankful for my father’s decline into dementia beginning last November when he went into hospice care at a facility 150 miles away.

But I am grateful for the almost 96 years he had on this earth, for the man he was, the husband he was, the father he was. No girl could have asked for more from her earthly father.

I am not thankful for the illnesses that plagued all three of my adult children this year, resulting in a total of four hospitalizations and seven weeks as patients.

But I am grateful that all are doing well right now, that they had wise doctors and care and supportive friends and family to help them over the bumps in the road.

I am NOT thankful for the distance in miles between me and my only sibling, my brother Harvey. It’s an Amtrak ride of almost 8 hours and a trip that cannot be taken without due consideration.

But I am grateful I have a brother and that during the year of Dad’s illness and the two summers we spent cleaning out his house, we were able to support and uphold each other. Even on the day of Dad’s burial we were able to tell amusing childhood stories and remember Dad with love and entertain the diners at Grotto’s Pizza.

I am NOT thankful for the peculiar visual condition—keratoconus—which has plagued me since I was 19, causing headaches, eye aches and distorted vision that has limited my ability to write, read, and knit as much as I would like. And has also kept me from becoming an airline pilot, although that wasn’t a dream of mine. But still.

But I AM grateful for the wonderful doctors—shout out to Dr. Neil Schwartz!—who helped me deal with the vision I had, for the donors who gave me their corneas so I could retain some vision, and for friends who are willing to drive me at night when all I can see are bursts of headlights and streetlights and would be a danger to myself and others on the road.

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I am NOT thankful that I am spending my 5th year of holidays without my husband by my side, adjusting to widowhood but still missing oh so much the companionship of Ron.

But I AM grateful for the almost 44 years we had together, for the family we raised, for the love we shared, and for the knowledge that he now lives in Heaven, free of pain at last, and that, as a dear friend reminded me, “He’s not only in your past, he’s in your future.”

Are there circumstances this past year for which you’re not exactly thankful, but you can find some gratitude?

Hi, Readers, I’d like to ask a quick favor. If you’ve enjoyed this post, maybe even learned something from it, would you consider sharing it on your own social media or email or even restacking it here on Substack? I’d appreciate it as I try to spread the realities of adult autism and widowhood!